Friday, April 16, 2010

Three things about this post...1. Racial content within 2. My Dad should not be offended, but please take it as a lesson Pops and 3. I lied...

I lied about blogging yesterday. Instead I went to bikram yoga and then found myself incapacitated for the rest of the day.  The lesson here? Exercise is the devil. I also lied about what I was going to make. Sorry you two, but the marinara sauce will have to wait for another day. I just had too many vegetables in the fridge just dying to be used...or rather, if I didn't cook them now, they would go in the trash, and then I would have wasted money that I could have used to buy socks with LED lights on the toes (fancy).  I am very sorry for betraying your trust, but I am only human, and I can guarantee it will happen again because I'm generally untrustworthy and an all 'round sac o' lies. With that being said...I did make something delicious tonight, and I will be posting about it...now.

So as I mentioned before, I had a good amount of vegetation chillin' in the big white box that desperately needed to be cooked before it met its doom.  This paired with the fact that my father sent me the weirdest care package (albeit the first one of my life) the other day gave me some ideas.

I'm moving out of my apartment in two weeks, so I probably shouldn't go around buying groceries willy nilly like a nun all hopped up on jujubees.  So I will have to make do with what I have for the time being.  This is what my dad sent me (food wise).  I received two boxes of boil in a bag brown rice, one can of crushed pineapple and a box of unflavored instant oatmeal.  Now I love my father, but wow...I can just imagine him standing in the pantry right now mumbling to himself..."what can I give my daughter that I clearly don't want or intend to use unless of course there is a nuclear fallout? Ah yes..." as he then chucks the contents into a freshly labeled fedex box and two days later I receive a package of fatherly love, sprinkled with some inevitable payback for all the crap I pulled in highschool. Glorious. 

But I'm an optimist god damnit and I will make lemonade out of brown rice and crushed pineapple! or something.

If you didn't know...I'm Asian. It's something I try to hide most of the time (ie: the horrendous addiction to heavy eye liner -- I'm trying to make my eyes bigger and rounder and more caucasian...no really, that's not a joke). I'm not particularly in tune with my heritage because I'm adopted and grew up in a pretty country club white bread version of suburbia, but there are times when I can't deny myself.  Like for instance, every time I look in the mirror.  Some unspoken truths about us slanty eyed folk?

1. We have slanty eyes (it sucks in pictures)
2. We have great hair
3. We are comfortable in very small spaces
4. We love rice

I, being of the Asian persuasion, love rice -- especially fried rice. What a great way to take all the shit you'd never eat on its own and make a delicious and filling dish that gets better as it sits and reheats well to boot.  Even better? If you make it at home, I guarantee you it will be 20 times better for you than if you go down to China Wok and order the double order fried rice combo with extra MSG.  It will also be cheaper.

So although it seems wildly stereotypical, I bet you'd benefit from this recipe/method of cooking. So here is...

I Have Slanty Eyes and My Dad Can't Seem To Put Together a Worthwhile Care Package But I Can Still Make Great Rice Spicy Pineapple Fried Rice

guess what...you don't need to preheat a damn thing...nice right?

Things you need to get to the orient...
4 T light cooking oil (like canola or vegetable)
3 cps cooked brown rice
*Note: I am normally not a fan of any sort of boil in a bag or instant product...because it generally lacks flavor and texture due to crazy amounts of processing and refining, and because I like to be all snotty and elitist about it, but I will say that the boil in a bag brown rice my Dad sent me...not bad. Feel free to use any kind you like.
1 cp broccoli florets (from about two small stalks)
1 red bell pepper chopped
1 medium yellow onion chopped
2 carrots sliced
2 cloves minced garlic
1 tsp fresh minced ginger
2 eggs lightly beaten
1/2 can crushed pineapple (thoroughly drained)
1/2 tsp dried red chili flakes
salt
black pepper
4 T low sodium soy sauce
1 tsp fresh lemon juice
2 T sweet chili sauce (optional)


Put a large saute pan over medium high heat. Add one tablespoon of the oil and heat until it coats the bottom of the pan thoroughly. Add the eggs.  Scramble them quickly and then remove them from the pan and set aside.  


In the same pan add the pineapple and cook for 5 minutes, stirring often.  The pineapple should take on a little light brown color, and lose a lot of its liquid.  Set aside with eggs.


Wipe out the pan with a paper towel and return to heat.  Add 1 more tablespoon of oil and heat like before. Add the chili flake, ginger and garlic and saute for 30 seconds.  

Add all the vegetables and stir to combine.  If the vegetables aren't audibly sizzling, turn the heat up a little bit.  Constantly stir and turn the veggies to evenly cook them.  They should take on a little brown color, but still have bite to them.  Salt and pepper the veggies, but make sure to taste them, and keep them slightly under seasoned (they're getting a lot of salt from the addition of the soy sauce later).  When the vegetables are cooked (about 10 minutes) set them aside on a plate.  

Return the pan to the heat and add the remaining two tablespoons of oil. Turn the heat up to high and add the rice.  Flatten the rice out like a pancake and wait 30 seconds.  Then start to flip the rice with a spatula so the uncooked portion gets some time on the bottom of the pan. Flatten again and repeat.  
*Note: this part is important...as long you hear sizzling, you're not burning the rice.  You need to cook enough excess water out of it, so it doesn't turn mushy, so just keep flipping and flattening for about 5 minutes. Some rice might stick to the bottom of the pan...don't panic, just scrape it up and flip it over. 

Add the soy sauce (holding back one tablespoon), lemon juice and sweet chili sauce and stir to coat the rice.  Keep flipping and flattening the rice for another 5 minutes, or until it seems to have absorbed the liquid. 

Add the vegetables, pineapple and remaining soy sauce and stir to combine.  Lower the heat to medium and let it saute for 5 more minutes stirring occasionally.

Chop up the scrambled eggs and add them to the rice last, and stir gently to combine.

Taste to check for seasonings. You might need to add more salt or pepper at this point.    

Serve to your best asian friend (that's me btw) 



So things we've learned
1. I lie sometimes...I bet you do too
2. I have great hair, and a slight problem accepting my ethnicity 
3. When you were a kid and were trying to make the perfect shade of purple in art class, you always ended up with poop brown. great.
4. I make bitchin' fried rice
5. Now YOU can make bitchin' fried rice too!

So go do it, and then subscribe to the blog and then tell a friend...actually...reverse that.  Tell a friend, Subscribe and then go make bitchin' fried rice. 

Hope this post was racially offensive enough for you.

Enjoy and see you tomorrow! 


 

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